I identify myself as trans woman of color. I’m on this journey to reposition everything externally to match everything that’s internally. I have to be myself or die trying. I say I have tranorexia, that everytime I look in the mirror for some reason I see my previous self, even though people from my past say it’s so hard to remember who he was and we don’t see him. Imagine waking up every day uncomfortable in your own skin, looking in the mirror and not quite recognizing the person that you feel internally. It is important for me to get facial feminization surgery because now my facial structure will match my internal expression of who I am. The doctor that I’ve chose, Dr. Obeng, is a corrective surgery doctor. We’re gonna sand the forehead down, the chin, and then the nose would get balanced to these two. What’s beautiful right now is that we’re starting to get into a space where everyone’s being allowed to operate on a spectrum. One extreme being completely female and other extreme being completely male. Now, what’s in between is what you choose. My definition of what being a woman of trans experiences is living a reality that is mirroring a cisgender woman’s expressions. I want my body to look completely female because that’s how I see and that’s how I feel, but that’s just me. For me it’s scary. What am I gonna see? Am I gonna recognize myself? Am I going to be happy with these results? Are these the results that I really wanted? I think it’s gonna be more than just a look. But it will be a new confidence, it will be a new definition of self. After this surgery I’ll be able to reintroduce the real me. So healing for me was nothing at all what
I thought it was gonna to be. I thought it was gonna be like you know, day seven I see bruises but, you know, I’m trucking along. There were so many hiccups along the way. My body was just storing trauma. I think by day seven I wanted, you know, I wanted to reverse everything. I wanted it to soften. So much stuff was done to me and while my body could take it mentally dealing with it, and physically dealing with it was a lot. But today looking back at it all I would do it again in a heartbeat. And it feels fucking incredible. This whole surgery, I will say that it changed me. It changed the way I see myself. It changed the way I define myself. It changed the way I introduce myself to the world. I’m now in a space where I understand this isn’t my end result. We just got one more surgery, Giselle. It’s just that last step where Doctor Obeng’s gonna assist me in getting my vagina. I’m defining me and who and what I am, and my female expression is mine. And don’t you dare tell me how to be.