Hospital Show | Chapter 5: The Surprise


[♪♪♪] Where the h— do I… [Vince] Dr. Grace. Just do it.
Show… show it all. I’m going to show them
everything Vince. I thought I’d get you started
with something real juicy. You cutie-patootie angel,
what is this? Just trying to
let it all out, you know? Aah! What if we tried
more than one thing, like, like a buffet? You want to go to a buffet? You’re almost a doctor.
You went to med school. If the question is, “Will you
touch my balls, Charlie?” The answer is no. High schools these days
are sex dens. We aren’t sending you
to a sex den. [♪♪♪] Get your junk out of the way. Lefty Lucy. [♪♪♪] ♪ Everybody
Everybody ♪ ♪ Everybody’s on TV ♪ ♪ There is no remedy for ♪ ♪ This kind of love anymore ♪ ♪ I need an intervention ♪ Okay, let’s do this. Okay, now I’m curious. What do you have for me, Astrid? It’s a surprise for you
and your fans. Okay, okay, I’m game. Okay, and… How’s my hair?
Is it good? [Astrid] Uh, we’re… Just angle up a little. We’re on. Okay. Hey, everyone,
V-man here. Um, I’ve got
a little something from Astrid in this cutie-patootie envelope, and it’s a surprise for me
and for you, so we’re just going to open it. We’re live? -Yeah.
-Okay, cool. [chuckling] Uh… what is this? It’s a pregnancy test, Vince! -Okay.
-And it’s positive. You see the little plus sign? Is this…
is this yours? And yours, dumb—. Vince, we’re gonna have
a baby together. You’re gonna be a daddy. [chuckles awkwardly] [♪♪♪] Bottom line, I need respect. [Kaitlin]
You can’t ask for respect. I think either you get it
or you don’t. She’s right.
Kaitlin’s right. Wait, wait,
could Kaitlin maybe move to the bathroom
while we do this? -She doesn’t care.
-Don’t care. [Will] Listen, I got a meeting
tomorrow with the Wiz. Come with me,
cauterize the wound. The wound is already infected, and I don’t want to see
the Wiz, thank you. [Carol-Ann]
Guys, quick question, what does Peter,
“Best Boy” Peter, mean when he says he wants a buffet? -[Will] He wants a buffet.
-[Carol-Ann] We’d just had sex. Sensitive ears. Not that sensitive. [Carol-Ann] Okay,
we had just made whoopee, and he said he wanted a buffet. I thought you were
ending that. Uh, I was,
but he’s very efficient. Well, where I come from,
“buffet” means orgy. You know, lots to choose from? [Carol-Ann]
Oh, my god! Really? Where exactly
do you come from, Nancy, where they call orgies
“buffets”? Wait… -[Nancy] Mississauga, Ontario.
-[Charlie] Okay… “Wait okay” what? “Wait okay” what?!
-Well, that’s Ontario… [Rich] Shut up, everybody! “Wait okay” what?
What is it? [Charlie]
Okay, get it checked out, but this is what they call
a varicocele vein. It’s like a varicose vein,
but in your scrotum. It might lower your sperm count,
but it’s harmless. It’s ha… It’s harm…?
[laughing] [Carol-Ann]
Yeah, get it, buddy! Yes! Whoo! [all cheering] Those are clean,
safe nuts, right? That is why you were
the top of your med class. Thank you. I wasn’t top
of my med class, but I do know
a thing or two, yes. Thank you, Number Two. You’re welcome, Number One. To your balls! [all cheering] Yeah! Get it! This is…
This is… this is mine? Just feel it. Go through it. This is real life.
It’s now. I don’t even remember us
having sex. -We did.
-We did? Holy sh–, we did. Uh… Okay, okay, uh… I’m-I’m just, I’m not ready
to be a dad. Well, you’re gonna be. I know, so intense,
but this is life. This is life? Holy sh–, this is life. [♪♪♪] Can you cut? Okay, so will you come with me
tomorrow to see the Wiz? Fine, I’ll go see the Wiz. -Great!
-So I can tell her I quit. -Wait, what?
-Quit? Kaitlin, keep up the good work. Rich, pull up your pants. [♪♪♪] [sighing] [♪♪♪]

6 thoughts on “Hospital Show | Chapter 5: The Surprise

  1. When Riverdale started airing, I told my friends that Riverdale and The Vampire Diaries would one day have a crossover. But they all laughed at me.

    WELP!

    No oneโ€™s laughing now! ๐Ÿ˜Ž

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