Hospital Show | Chapter 3: Not That Kind Of Ball


I try to avoid real doctors,
but sometimes… you gotta go. -Clear!
-It’s time for you to stay where you are, sit in the pot
and cook, dammit. Blessed miracle, folks! We can’t do this anymore.
We need to talk. My fans, they just want more. It’s gotta be real life.
No gimmicks. Show… show it all. -But I’m a good surgeon.
-Not anymore. Are you staying,
or leaving the show? Okay, now is not the time. There are no droopy boobs!
They are scrubs. [vomiting] [sighing] ♪ And now we’re
lining up to see ♪ ♪ The movie of our vanity ♪ ♪ Everybody
Everybody ♪ ♪ Everybody’s on TV ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ [Rich] Oh, no. Oh, god… [♪♪♪] [gasping] Oh, dammit. Son of a bitch. Son… of… a… I got this. I’m Number One. It’s nothing at all. It’s… it’s… [crying] Hey, everyone. It’s your boy Rich here,
and today… today I’d like to talk
about courage. Never bend your head. Always hold it high. Look the world
straight in the eye. Helen Keller said that. She was blind. She still said that. Three, two, one! ♪ We’ve got to remedy ♪ ♪ The malady ♪ ♪ Within ourselves ♪ ♪ You’ve got to rectify ♪ ♪ The age-old lies ♪ ♪ Of your ancestors ♪ ♪ ‘Cause no matter
how hard this life gets ♪ ♪ You’ve gotta face it ♪ ♪ Test after test ♪
…icles. [drum machine plays alone] I’m sorry, guys. I’m sorry. It’s been a rough day. Just tryin’ to let it all out,
you know. Just lettin’ it all out. [crying out] Oh! Oh, my god!
Right there! Aah! Oh, god! Oh, god. Oh, you really are the Best Boy. Why are you called
the Best Boy? I don’t know. It’s infantilizing, though. I’m a certified
electrician… boy. Hey, so, question.
Moving forward. Can you pass me my panties,
please? Yeah. Yeah. Well, there is
no moving forward. I told you this. What if we tried
more than one thing, like, like a buffet? -A buffet?
-Yeah. Like a variety of things. You know, not just
the one thing. -You wanna go to a buffet?
-No. Oh, god, Peter, I’m sorry. This… this isn’t working. It’s unhealthy,
and one-dimensional, and it’s killing me inside. [Peter] I’m trying to make it
three-dimensional. Hey. Hey. Oh… -One more? Oh, god, the guilt I feel,
the personal betrayal… is exciting to me. Make it quick
before it goes away. -I’ll take my panties off.
-Okay. Let’s move them
over to the side. Oh, god. [Will] Where are the bananas?
It’s a basic thing. We’ve got oranges,
bananas, no bananas. Say, I found ’em.
Right here. How many? I don’t know,
like seven or eight. -Great.
-Why do we need bananas? Because we need bananas. I got the suture kit,
you got the bananas, we’re ready to go. Man, you are the most
prepared actor I know. No wonder
you win all the awards. No, I don’t win any… it’s not about
the awards, Vince. It’s about, um… it’s about saving lives,
pretending to, in a very realistic way. Okay. [Astrid] Hey, hey, hey. I’ve got a little surprise
for you in this. You want it all real-life
all the time for your followers, so I thought I’d get you started
with something real juicy. Oh, my god, Astrid,
you cutie-patootie angel, what is this? [Astrid]
It’s a surprise, dumb-ass, but you gotta open it
in front of your followers. Oh, okay. Well, uh, we got
some, uh, research to do… showing me how to do
a purse-string suture. Um, can I open your cutie little
envelope thing later? Yeah, sure. Whenever.
Can I come too? Oh, yeah, sure.
Come one, come all. Yeah, sure. Let’s do it.
-Yeah. [chuckling]
-Yeah. -Research! Whoo!
-Yeah. -Hashtag: “actor’s life.”
-Yeah, yeah. Boom boom! Double shot to the ‘nards. [laughing] -Double shot!
-Yeah! All right! Let’s go! [rain pouring] [Rich sighing] Supposed to be
playing golf all week for a good cause, but they screwed up
the schedule. So here I am. Okay, well,
that’s too bad, Rich. I haven’t eaten lunch. I have something on my… on a ball. Like a… like on a golf ball? Not that kind of ball. This kind of ball. You think you could
take a look at it for me, since you’re
practically a doctor? I’m not a doctor. Well, you’re almost a doctor.
You went to med school. If the question is, “Will you
touch my balls, Charlie?” The answer is no. [sighing] I’m so nervous! Damn! It’s okay.
I’m just nervous. I’ll get it checked out. I hate doctors. Sounds good. Yeah. Oh, hey… I’m really looking forward
to this next romantic chapter between Dr. Grace
and Dr. Kelso. And no worry… I’ll make sure it’s comfortable
for both of us. I promise. Thank you, Rich. [Rich] No problem, Number Two. And hey,
Dr. Kelso doesn’t cheat. Mm-mm. I won’t. He’s got eyes just for you. For Dr. Grace. Good. And if this on-screen
relationship just happens to get so hot,
so real, so intense that we develop feelings
for each other, you know, I got you, girl. Well, you could probably
develop feelings for a kumquat, Rich. I wouldn’t think
about it too much. [small dog barking] I’m a much deeper human being
than you know, Charlie! You underestimate me! And what the hell is a kumquat? I mean, what the actual f—? [♪♪♪]

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