A Healthy Dose Of Medical Sketches

♪♪ Hey, guys! What’s up, what’s up? Hello. We’ve got an awesome
compilation video for you all about doctors. Yes, all about doctors. And medical things. So if you want to feel
smart medically, check out this compilation. Monocle. [laughs] Doctors all have
monocles. Yeah. And teacups. [slurp] [audience cheering] Thanks for coming out
with us tonight, Stace. Seriously, with
school and work, we never see
friends anymore. Oh, no. Guys, thanks for
having me. By the way, I heard this
restaurant is terrific. So… Oh yeah,
it’s amazing. Oh. Thank you. Speaking of terrific,
dig in! Mmm. Okay, you weren’t
kidding. This is amazing. Right? I mean, seriously,
just wait for dessert, ’cause I tell you–
honey? Matt, you okay? Oh, uh, he’s choking. Do you know the
Heimlich maneuver? What? No! I’ll go get help. What? Come on! Hey, is there a doctor here? This man is choking.
Oh please! I’m a doctor. Oh good. Thank you. Are you going to do
the Heimlich? No. Why not? I don’t know how. But you’re a doctor! Yeah, my doctorate’s
in art history. So… Wait, then why did you
rush over here so fast? Uh, because my degree
is no less legit than anyone else’s. Okay? I worked hard for that. You know what? Get out of here, okay? Is anyone else a doctor? Oh, I am! Medical? French literature. What is wrong
with you people? I’m actually here
to apply for a job because these student
loans are killing me. Right? Okay, are they? Are they killingyou?Because right now the
casual dining experience is killing this man. All right? So we need a doctor
with medical training. I can help.
Oh. I’m a psychiatrist. Now tell me, what does this choking have
to do with your childhood? We need a real doctor. I am real doctor. I can write prescriptions. Who needs Prozac? [cries] I got help! Oh, thanks! A real doctor! Yeah, I’m a registered nurse. Oh, get him out of here! Are you serious? Nurse?
Come on! Oh, it’s okay babe. We’ll get you a doctor. Hey, I– I could tell him where
the Mona Lisa is located. Okay, how is that going
to help the situation? It’s in the Louvre. Okay– I can help. I can help in about
uh, 20 seconds. Okay, how? How? I’m a coroner. [cries] Okay, stand aside. I’m a medical doctor. Oh, come on. I’ll help him as soon
as you tell me who his insurance provider is. Oh. Oh, Blue Cross? Oh. Tough luck. Wait, what? Are you serious? Oh. And he’s gone. No, he’s not. Oh, come here. [groans] Jeremy:Are you okay?Oh, I saw a light. It was beautiful. Thank you, doctor. Yeah, well, I’m a nurse. Oh, you let me get
saved by a nurse? So sorry.
So sorry. [audience cheering] [man groans] Female:It’s going to be
all right, sweetheart.
You’re going to be all right. Somebody please help! My husband has been stabbed! Stabbed, you say? Yes, please sir,
can you help? I can certainly try. I’m Detective Doctor. Doctor! Oh, thank goodness you
were passing by. He needs a doctor
desperately. Oh, I’m no doctor. But you said– Doctor is my name. I’m a detective. Detective Doctor,
at your service. Oh, I see. Thank you kindly, sir. I’m Mrs. Officer. Officer? Why didn’t you call
for police backup? I’m no officer. But you said– Officer is my name. I’m a Mrs.,
Mrs. Officer. Oh, I see. So what happened? Well, a man approached
my husband and said, “I told you
I’d get you back,” and then he stabbed him. Did you recognize
this man? It was dark. I couldn’t see his face,
and he disguised his voice. What on earth is
going on here? A mysterious man
stabbed Mr. Officer. He stabbed a policeman? He’s no policeman. He’s a professor,
and he’s badly hurt. Well, don’t worry, ma’am. I’m Doctor Hisbrother. I’ll have a look at him. Thank you so much
for being here. You know this man? I do now. This is Hisbrother. His brother?! A prime suspect in any case. Excuse me? It’s often the brother
who has a vendetta. Come back to this crime scene
to play the hero, have you? But I’m not his brother. Where were you
when he was stabbed? I was working
at the hospital! My assistant can
vouch for that. Man:Indeed I can.I’m Doctor Detective. Pleased to meet you. Detective Doctor. Excuse me, detective. [Together] Yes? No, not Detective Doctor. Doctor Detective. Doctor! [Together] Yes? [Yells] You’re confusing everyone! Get out of here! You called for me? No, I meant Hisbrother. Oh, he’syour
brother. That makes even
more sense. You’re saying it wrong. It’s pronounced
“hiss-brother.” He’s gone unconscious! I’ll look at him again. Woman:‘Ello, someone
call for a policeman? Officer Wounded here, what
seems to be the problem? We have a Mr. Officer
wounded here. That’s Mrs. Officer Wounded,
if you please. No, I’m fine. It’s my husband
who’s wounded. There are no men with the
name Wounded in my family. Must be another Wounded. Another wounded? It seems the culprit is
on a stabbing spree, and the only suspect… His brother! Well then, where’s
your brother? My brother? He’s in Paris. Paris? He’s a quick one,
ain’t he? Well, what’s my brother got
to do with anything? He’s under arrest for the
stabbing of…who now? Mr. Officer. A policeman? He’s being put away
for life if I have anything
to say about it. But it wasn’t
my brother. It washisbrother. Well, how convenient because
you’re his brother. My name is
“Hisbrother.” [coughs] Darling! Mr. Officer. Hey, I’m a woman. Mrs. Officer. Yes, ma’am? Thank you. Is there anything we can do,
doctor? Yes. Give me the names of everyone your husband
spoke to this week. She was talking to me. Your name’s not Doctor. Yes, but I am a doctor. You’re very dim to call
yourself Detective. I call myself Doctor! THIS IS MADNESS! We caught this man
holding a bloody knife two blocks that way. That’s him! That’s the man who stabbed
Mr. Officer! You stabbed
a policeman? [gasps] Officer Wrong-Guy. No, it’s him,
I swear it. It sure is. Well done,
Officer Wrong-Guy. It appears he’s a disgruntled
student of Professor Officer. So your husband’s student
is your brother. Now I understand! As a matter of fact,
he is my brother. He’s always been
overprotective of me, over-jealous, over-zealous, but I never thought it
would come to this. You’re a disgrace to
the Schtabbum family, Isaac William. Violence ends now,
Isaac William. And so does the bloody case
of the culprit whose plan was in his
name all along: I. Will. Schtabbum! [audience applause] Doctors, I’m afraid John Gibson
is here to see you again. Oh! Not again! That hypochondriac is
single-handedly driving up health care costs in the
United States. Yeah, I think it’s time for
the treatment that we discussed. You sure? It’s awfully risky. It’s never been
tested before. I don’t think we
have a choice. Let’s do it. Oh doctor, thank you
for seeing me, I was just reading about
smallpox on Wikipedia and I am absolutely
convinced that I have it because of this bump
right here. Do you see that? I see. John, we just got your test
results back from the lab from when you were last here
to see us two hours ago. Yes? And well John,
it turns out, you were right
about everything. You really do have polio,
yellow fever, heart parasites,
restless leg syndrome, 16 distinct types
of malaria, and by your own description,
“all the plagues.” How long do I have? Thirty seconds, tops. Oh no, I knew it all along. Shh! You fought a good fight! We’re going to name
the disease after you. We’ll call it the
John Gibson TDS. That stands for Total
Disaster Syndrome. Thank you;
that’s very kind of you. Can’t be too careful. This is it. I can feel myself
slipping. Time of death,
2:41 P.M. Oh no, I’m still
here, Doctor. Hello? I’m not dead yet. I’m still alive. Time to call
the funeral home. [gasps] I must be dead. What do I do now? [evil laughing] Oh! The devil! John Gibson, I’m afraid your annoying life
of tormenting medical personnel has earned you a place
in my kingdom. What? How could that be? I couldn’t have
been that bad! Really? You don’t remember the season
you got 36 flu shots on the first day they
were available? And do you remember
how many elderly people were unable to get
them that year? Exactly 36. Yes! And they all died!
What?! [evil laughing] No just kidding, just a
little evil humor for you. [sigh] But seriously, two of them
got really, really sick. Oh, I feel awful! That’s because you’re
an awful person John, and you belong
with me, ha, ha. Oh, no. Not so fast! Behold: me. An angel! Yes, I have come to barter
for this man’s soul. B-r-r-ring! Ha ha! You must think me mad for this is the single most
ah-nnoying man I have ever seen. Yes, he is
very annoying. But is that enough to earn me
an eternity of torment? Devil and Angel:
[together] Yes. Okay. You have to understand, John, that in your life, you were
super,superannoying. And also your doctors were
too polite to tell you this, but you always
reeked of ammonia. Well it’s very clean. And you also stole the tongue
depressors after every visit. What? No I didn’t. Well then who
the heck took–
Focus! Now regardless! You are coming
with me. No, but I don’t deserve this! Enough! You shall not
take him. Be gone, red demon. Ahhhh. Gnashing of teeth. Ah, so it’s off
to heaven then? No, John, I’m not going
to take you either. Oh no, do I go to some kind
of in-between place? [whispers]
Is it Canada? No, okay? I’m going to send you
back to your body, but you must promise to never
trouble your doctors again. Oh, but what do I do
in life? I was so sick. Yes, I thought of that. And that is why
I will cure you with just the touch
of my heavenly hand. Oh, amazing. [sings like an angel] Goodbye, heavenly messenger! John! You’re alive! Yes! And what’s more,
I’m completely cured of all diseases! Amazing! You have the strongest
heart I’ve ever heard! Learned doctor, I require
your services no more. Farewell. Go! And be sure to pay your $25
copay at the front desk! Mallory: Nicely done,
everyone. Yeah, I can’t
believe that worked. Nice slap, by the way. Felt good. Oh man, what a relief. We have to call him back
in here though because he really
does have smallpox. [audience cheering] Man:Welcome, students,to yourfirst diagnostic
medicine course. I am your instructor,
Dr. Cyrus Archer. Thank you,
thank you. Let’s proceed, shall we? The patient exhibits symptoms
of stomachaches, cramps, and nausea. Does anyone have a guess
as to the diagnosis? Is it the plague? Hysteria? A ghost. [laughs] I’m afraid only one
of you is correct. The answer is clearly
a ghost. What? I’m afraid a spirit with
unfinished business has made a home in your stomach. And you’re absolutely sure? Well, it’s either that or these “germs” everyone
keeps talking about. [laughing] Oh, look at me! I’m a germ! I make people get really sick
even though no one can see me! Well said. You can’t see
a ghost, either. That’s because
he’s in your stomach. I assure you, if we were
to cut you open right now, we would find one angry
apparition. Let’s cut him open. Okay. Okay, wait, wait, wait! I’d like a second opinion. This seems very questionable. How does someone even
contract a ghost? Students? Eating red meat? Converting to
Protestantism? Educating a woman. Mmm. None of those apply to me. Hmm. What is your
astrological sign? Gemini. All: Ah. Oh, don’t pretend
like you know! Oh, he’s becoming hostile. The ghost may have moved into
his thinking organ, the lungs. Students: Hmm. We will have to prepare
my surgery tools. What? Is that your answer
to everything? Cutting people open? You say that like
it’s a bad thing. Strap him down! Okay, no!
No! There must be another way
to get rid of a ghost! Indeed there is. Students, what recourse
can we offer him? Leeches. Draining a quarter
of his blood. Draining all
of his blood. Ah, yes. Absolutely. Let’s get started. No! You’re all crazy! Don’t touch me! Sir, please relax. The percentage of patients
who survive this is quite high–
In the teens, even! All right, NO! NO! I’m just going to go home
and get some rest. [doctor sighs] But, doctor, won’t he die now? Normally, yes,
but fortunately for him, I managed to slip some
mercury into his drink. He’ll be right as rain! On to the next patient. This woman seems to be
suffering from a curse brought on by a wood nymph. Oh. I’m having a baby! Ah! That’s for medicine
to decide. Fatty. O-bese. ♪♪ Woman:Okay,
settle down, guys!
Settle down. Everyone–settle down, okay? Your teacher is sick today, so we’re getting
a substitute for you. He should be here any minute,
and I want you all to be on your
best behaviors. Don’t make me come down here. [German accent]
Hello. Hi. I am Dr. Reebs. Reebs? I am Reebs. Oh! And are you really a doctor? Ja! Like Dr. Dre. Who… Who isn’t a doctor. It’s a metaphor. He cures the world
of bad music. I cure the world
of bad fashion. Well, we’ve had weirder. Good luck! This will not do. Your teacher has taught
you nothing! I must start
from the beginning. Assistants! [German accent}
Yes, Reebs? [German accent]
We’re here for you, Reebs. Take a look
at this class and tell me what
era we must be in. Dark ages. Dark ages for sure. Very dark. Ja. These are my assistants,
Mimi and Juju. I am Mimi. I am Juju. I am Reebs. What are we learning today? Ah! Perfect! I know everything there is
to know about economics. Are you kidding me? I need a volunteer. You. Come! Mimi? Ja. Juju? Ja. Let’s teach them economics. It’s all about the supply– And demand. Supply goes up
with the price. Demand goes down
with the price. Where they meet–
Both: Magic! Boom!
Economics. So–so why am I up here? Ah. Cheap, ugly clothes. [scoffs] Ugliness. Nobody wants that. Demand shirt curve
shifts down. Uh-oh. Make it cheaply. Wal-Mart $5 special. Supply curve shifts up. Your mother buys it for you
and ruins your social life. Your shirt is like a piece of
cotton that got confused. Boom! Economics. You guys are jerks. No. I am Reebs. Mmm. What’s next? Literature? Yes! New volunteer. You, come! Mimi and Juju: Mmm. What do we have here? I see the problem. Tell me, Mimi. I will tell you, Juju. Poor man’s Harry Potter. You’re right, Mimi. I am, Juju. Teen Vogue. InStyle. Marie Claire. These are your
new homeworks. Open them up. Find the perfect article. All: Magic! Also! “To Kill a Mockingbird.” [gasps] Very good book. Ooh, Atticus in fitted
Armani suit. Scout in A-line,
tea-length dress. Make it emerald green
to give her some edge! Boom! Literature. Next! French. French? [whispered]
Do you speak French? [whispering] Paris. Mimi and Juju: Go there! Boom!
French. Next! Art. Huh. My greatest talent. Yes.
[chuckles] Juju? Ja. Mimi?
Ja. Ready. ♪♪ Excuse–Excuse me! Excuse me. This young man told me
you insulted him in front of the whole class. [scoffs] He insulted my eyes. In front of the whole me. Also, I checked your file and this does not
count as a resume. [Mimi and Juju gasp] So if you’re not
a real substitute, you need to leave. Fine. But their fashion blood
is on your hands. Oh, and by the way,
your outfit? All: Tragic! ♪♪ All right, it looks like we
have a couple vaccines today. Oh yeah, we’re going
on vacation next week. Oh, cool! Where you guys going? We’re going
to Cambodia. It’s our four-year
anniversary. Sounds exotic! We’re way excited. I mean, we’ve been looking
forward to this trip for, you know, the better part
of a year now. [cries] It’s okay! It’s okay. Everything’s going
to be fine. We ju– Okay. We just have one more shot and then you guys
are good to go. Just one more! No. I don’t want to! Honey! I don’t want to! I don’t want to! It’s okay. Okay. I don’t want to! Hey, hey, hey. It’s just fine,
it’s just a little poke. I DON’T WANT TO! I’m gonna just
hold him down, just go ahead and
give him the shot. Is this normal? Unfortunately, yes. I said I don’t want to! Jeremy! I can numb the area if that’s
going to make it feel better. Great! Okay, good. That’ll take another shot,
so just let me– Jeremy! Sir, I’m going to need you
to get down from there. Go away! Hey! What are you doing? Jeremy! Leave me alone. KNOCK IT OFF! Honey, we can get
an ice cream cone! Yeah! Really? Yeah. [screams
in pain] What the–? Are you okay?
No! I am so sorry! Jeremy! Jeremy? Okay, we need you to come
out of there, sweetheart. Jeremy:No!We have a present
for you. Jeremy:What is it?You’ll have to come out
here and see it. Jeremy:Put it
in my hand.
Oh, it’s too big
for your hand. Jeremy:It is?NOW! [silence] [screams] [cries] [shushes]
You’re okay. Oh, you were so brave! It’s okay. Here, let me wipe off
your slobber. Was I a big boy? You were such a big boy. Okay. Now that that’s over, ma’am, we just have your shot
and you guys are good to go. Uh, okay. Okay, good. [sprays] [screams] RUN, Jeremy! Don’t forget the suckers! [screams] [audience cheers] Man:Hola.Bienvenido a…[melodramatic Latin music] Señor Estone? ¿Sí? I’m afraid el prognóstico
does not look bueno. Tu fiancée Sofía has
eh-slipped into a coma. All we can do now
is wait. Gracias, Doctor. No quiero leave este hospital
until I know Sofía está bien. Bueno. I will keep you postedo
with the updatos. Gracias. Por favor, Sofía. I don’t have la capacidad
to vivir without you, mi amor. It’s muy sad to hear about
your financée’s accidente. I’ve been told she was
el amor of your vida. [Latin guitar riff][Señor Estone groans]Your teeth are fake? You could have any teeth
and you choose these teeth. Well, I figure if they
are too straight, they do not look real. Sí. Charletta. I should have known you would
show your toothless cara aquí. Before you marry
that burro Sofía– Oh. What is el problema? Nothing, that’s mi malo. I thought for some reason
you would have really bad crossed ojos. Oh. No, I got those fixed. Oh. But I still have this. [Latin guitar riff] ¡Hola, chica! Bésame. Sorry. He’s muy creepy. ¡Por favor, Grahamo! I necesito tú. Ever since you left,
yo soy muy alone in el mundo. ¿Sí? Sí.Sí.¡Silencio!¡Ay, mi boca!Oh Charletta, yo soy sorry
for questioning your corazon. I have bueno news. Tu fiancée Sofía is awake
and she’s going to be okay. Grahamo, estoy bien. I had a dreamo– Ooh! ¡Ay caramba! Grahamo, ¿por qué? [Latin guitar riff] [audience laughing] Es muy malo the sight
of you together. Adios… Para siempre. I think it would be más bueno
if the dos of you left.You mean
the tres of us.
¡Ay!Mi nose es destruido.Another lovers’
quarrel, Doctor? Yes, pero no soy doctor. [Latin guitar riff] ¡Yo soy luchador! [cheering] ♪♪ And that’s
how I discovered that I didn’t have
a shrimp allergy. Oh my goodness,
fascinating story. Mm-hmm. How are you guys enjoying
the sketches? We got more! A lot more. And they’re way more
exciting than we are, so, keep on trucking. I’m excited. Ehh. Woman:Patient suffered
extreme trauma after swallowing
a flaming sword. Whoa. That’s a first. How did that happen? Do you not recognize him, sir? This is Pandolfo
the Magnificent, the world-famous magician? Something must have gone
wrong during one of his acts. Okay, enough chitchat. We don’t have any time
for this. He’s bleeding internally. Scalpel. There you go. Making first incision. I’m not seeing– [explosion]
Whoa! What the? It’s a rabbit,
Doctor. Yeah, I know it’s a rabbit. How did it get in here? Magic. Don’t be an idiot, nurse. Where did it come from? Exactly. Okay, no. We don’t have time for this. Give me another scalpel. So weird. Okay, making second– [explosion]
Whoa! What the? This is a hospital,
not a backwoods Honey Bucket! We can’t have feral rodents
running around the O.R. Oh, Doctor, his heartbeat
is rapiding. Give me some antiarrhythmics. Make sure to– What is
happening here? [gasps] Where is it all
coming from? Man, this guy is good. Nurse, please, try to contain
your excitement. I know this– oh, that’s his
intestines, okay. We’re going to very technically
shove that back in there. Okay, should we proceed,
Doctor? Yes, we need to– You just want to
see more magic. I can’t help it! He’s amazing. It’s just like I’m
watching my uncle again. Your uncle is a magician? No, but he’s dead. This patient is not dead yet, but he will be if we keep
getting interrupted. Now, please let me focus. Okay, I’m not understanding– [explosion] [screams] WHERE? WHERE ARE THEY ALL
COMING FROM? [giddy]
Oh! I’m so glad I got to work
this shift! Where’s the syringe? Do you see it? Maybe he made it disappear? He is unconscious. The only thing
that’s disappearing are his odds
of staying alive. Check behind my ear. Right, because the magician
put it behind your– [screams] He’s amazing! Who hides a syringe
behind someone’s ear?! [flatlines] Doctor, we’re
losing him! Give me the crash cart. Hurry, hurry! Clear! [popping] Oh! Clear! [popping] Clear! [popping] [flatline] He’s gone. [cries] What the– That was the card
I was thinking of. [cries] Time of death 10:15. I’m sorry, Nurse. I have to admit though,
I’m impressed. The world lost
a true talent tonight. Let’s inform the next
of kin and make sure– [screams] Demon! Get down this instant! He’s gone! I lost a body! Oh, I lost a body. The malpractice attorneys
are going to eat me alive. TA-DA! Aren’t you bleeding
internally? How did you–? Ah! A magician never reveals his– [thud] Yeah, he’s gone. [screams] Drive faster, Mallory, the bleeding is
getting worse. I’m trying, okay? I get nervous when people
yell while I’m driving. Oh my fault, I’ll just die
in silence, shall I? Matt, you’re always
so dramatic. Yeah, calm down, Matt. You’re not dying. You’re just losing
large amounts of blood. Yeah, that happens to be
a leading cause of death. No, you’re thinking
of cancer. I thought heart disease was
the number one cause of death. Yes, but without blood, my heart will have
nothing to pump and will therefore
get bored and die. Oh, please try not to get
your blood on the seat. Are you guys sure this is the
right way to the hospital? I’m pretty sure. What do you mean
you’re pretty sure? I think it’s by that place
where we ate at the other day, what was it? Those fries were delicious. Oh my gosh, seriously,
they were so good. THIS is my arm! Notice how I’m able
to hold it an entire arm’s length
away from my body. This is an
undesirable quality. I insist that you focus on
finding me medical care. What are you doing? I have a date after this. Actually, can one of you
grab the wheel? Thanks. Hey, how come we’re
slowing down? Some ducks are
crossing the road. Well, what else
am I supposed to do? Kill them! That’s terrible. No, this is terrible! I’m not killing
those ducks, Matt. Yeah.
They are adorable. Get me to a hospital. Oh, ugh. Matt, your arm
is really cold. Is it, Jason? I’m no doctor but I would
venture to guess that’s probably indicative of
some kind of severe trauma. I don’t know, some people just have
cold hands all the time. Should I turn
the heater on? Oh yeah.
Okay. Guys, if I don’t make it,
I just want you both to know that I hate you. Matt, quit being so dramatic. Look, the ducks are
crossing the road. See? And nothing
had to die. Oh look, the place
with the fries, you think
we have time? Yes. Nice. [audience applause] ♪♪ Dramatic Male Narrator:From the
producers that brought you…
and…[beeping turns to flatline]BYUtv presents
a brand-new medical drama.
♪♪ Matt:Get me a crash cart.♪♪ Narrator:Ethics
will be tested.
I can’t operate on
that dog, Whitney, it went on my lawn
this morning. My lawn. Jason, you can’t
let your emotions interfere with the work. We’re here to save
all the dogs, good dogs and the bad dogs,
no matter how hard it is. Narrator:A fatal mistake…Clear. What on earth did
you have this set to?! Narrator:will turn
best friends…
It was just
the lowest setting, I– I’m not going down
for this, and if I am, I’m taking you
with me. Narrator:…against each other.♪♪ You. Natalie, calm down. He used to look at me
that way. You homewrecker! Shh. It’s okay. I don’t even know
the difference between a cockatoo
and a cockapoo. Narrator:Hand-holding.No one does. ♪♪ Narrator:True character
Have you ever noticed how all
pitbulls look the same? Racism, from you? Narrator:Everything goes wrong.Stacey:Guys, the llama’s
on the loose in the psych ward and he has a scalpel. [whimpering] You got rabies
from the patient? It happens, okay? I got too close. Narrator:Fear around
every corner.
Mallory: I’m afraid. We’re all afraid. [intense music] Narrator:And this
is just the beginning.
What do we do? Get the kale and
the timothy hay! What do they eat?Can we feed him rocks?You’re a ninja turtle.You make Donatello
look like a pansy, man, just hang in there. [intense music] Narrator:ER: Vet Division,coming soon to BYUtv.[sirens] All right Mr.
and Mrs. Swenson, are you two ready
to have a baby? No! Yes. She’s just in a lot
of pain right now. Epidural. Oh yes, about that,
Mrs. Swenson, I’m afraid you’re too far
along for an epidural. [grunts] Get me an epidural
or he dies! Now honey,
I don’t think– [grunting] Surely there’s something
that you can do? Well there is one
treatment we could try, but it’s new
and untested. We will take it. Honey, just think– Just shut it. [gasping]
We’ll take it. Okay Mr. Swenson, if you’ll
just sit here on this bed. Okay. We’re going to hook a device
up to your head that will essentially transfer
the pain of childbirth. [audience laughing] So Mrs. Swenson,
you won’t feel a thing. Mr. Swenson, buckle up. Wait, so I’m going to go
through labor for her? Doctor:Precisely.All right, just give me
a little second to get a little
accustomed to this– [bloodcurdling scream] [groaning] I’m sorry, that pain
was involuntary. Okay you know what,
perhaps we should wait until the end of a
contraction to switch over, maybe let you ease into it. That sounds great. Okay. Oh, and it looks like the
contraction has passed so let’s switch over
in three, two, one. [machine whirring] Okay. I’m a man, I’m stronger
than this baby. [audience laughing] Okay, and the contractions
come at about 30 seconds apart so it should be coming
any moment now. All right, I feel good, I feel good, I feel– [groaning] [moaning] [moaning and crying] [moaning and crying] These are all empty. [audience laughing] [groaning] [groaning] YOU! [groans] [through mouthful of ice]
You did this to me! Ihateyour mother! [groaning] We’re never having
another child! Doctor:Okay, this
looks like this is it.
All right, Jeremy,
it’s time for you to push. Okay. [groaning] PUSH! [audience laughing] [moaning] Jeremy, just remember
what you told me earlier, that pain is weakness
leaving the body. I was so insensitive. [groaning] Pain is a baby
leaving the body. [groaning] [baby crying] Doctor: Congratulations,
you two. He’s so beautiful. All the pain was worth it. I just feel so close to him. Life is such a miracle. [shuddering] What was that? Oh honey, I was going
to surprise you, we’re having twins. [audience laughing] [screaming] Jason:So we’ve been twins
for like
24 years. Twenty-five. Yeah, right, 24,
25 years.How can you not know that?I don’t need to know that because you’re always
there to correct me. Bazan:I’m sensing
some tension here. No, we’re fine– Look, I just
get a little flustered because sometimes people
group us together. People always treat us
like we’re one person. One person who doesn’t
know our own age. Okay… Bazan:Well you know,there are a lot of perks
to being a twin, too. Both: Yeah?
Like what? It’s funny you should ask. ♪♪ ♪Let’s say you rob a bank, ♪and soon you bump
into the boys in blue, ♪
they’ll try to haul you in,
but you win, ♪
‘cause if you’ve
got a twin, ♪
how can they ever prove
that it was you? ♪
Or if you’re
unlucky in love, ♪
and haven’t got a
sweetheart you can woo, ♪
well keep up your morale
‘cause pal ♪
your brother’s got a gal ♪and if you play
your cards right ♪
so do you. ♪♪ Being a twincan
have its perks, yeah, ♪
your mattress
is just your size. ♪
♪ You can have aSuite Life
or haunt hotel rooms, ♪
♪ and you’ve always got
good advice. ♪
Matt:We have to share
everything: birthday, family– Underwear. We have absolutely
nothing in common. That’s not true! I finish her sentences
all the time, but sometimes
they don’t make sense. It’s called
interrupting. So where’syour twin?He’s righthere.I get older,he gets younger. Are you wearing it
right now?!Not if you’re super mad.If yourparents
separate ♪ ♪ and split you up
right when you’re born, ♪ ♪ you’ll meet by chance
and become close friends– ♪ ♪ Now where have we
seen that before? ♪ It’s a trap! ♪ Being a twin is handy, ♪ ♪you don’t need a mirror
to see your face. ♪
You could be
founders of Rome, ♪ ♪ oralmost Facebook, ♪and you don’t need much
space. ♪ Stephen:I’m married,
he’s single. Every time he dates in public
people call my wife. Our mom dresses us. One of us doesn’t
pull it off very well. EVERYONE ALWAYS ASKS
WHO’S BORN FIRST! Have you ever lost a
nine-month race by ONE MINUTE?! How?! Th–I have the same
genes as him. So who’s older? We’re not twins. ♪When we hear you’re
a twin we’re impressed ♪
but you’ll learn
we’ll all be let down ♪
once we know
you’re fraternal. ♪
Even thetwins with
skills in magic, ♪ ♪should watch their backs
before things get
tragic. ♪ ♪ But being a twin
can have its perks ♪ ♪ if you just open up
your eyes. ♪♪ Wow. You’ve really got this down. Yeah, do youhave a twin?No, actually, I don’t. Male: [falsetto voice]
Dr. Bazan,
Mary-Kate and Ashley
are here to see you. [all yelling] WHAT? [yelling continues] WHY-Y-Y? Is she available, or…? [audience applause] Woman: [Southern accent]
Mrs. Hansen?
Oh, that’s me.I’m going to need your insuranc
for our billing purposes.
[baby crying]Oh, sh. Joy, it’s okay. Mama’s here. Joy. What a perfect little name for one of heaven’s
perfect little angels. She’s the bright spot
in our lives. Quite so, quite so. Oh, she sure is a
chipper little skipper. Mm, I do love those
little chiclets. I just want
to eat them up and absorb their lust for life. Thanks, that’s– Keep ’em young, teach ’em well. Children are our future. Ooh, she’s got some cutie
patootie pantaloonies! [emotional voice]
Oh, Joy. You have brought joy
to me today. Thank you. Stacey: [clears throat]
Uh, Ms. Hansen,
you can wait in room D. Thank you.
Yeah. Joy, bye! Stacey:Barbara.Oh, yes. Remember not to keep
the patient waiting. Oh, I am so sorry. I just couldn’t let that
little peanut pass by without cracking it open. Okay… All righty now, Jack? Oh, here he is. This must be the little
tater tot. Ooh, I could just eat him up
with ketchup and garlic chive
Greek yogurt dip. Yeah, so where
should we wait– Oh, look at the chin! That’s the chin
of a president. Oh, yeah… Going to be president and get
rid of all the sadness in this world. These children,
they are our future… a future so bright we’re all
going to get skin cancer. [baby gurgling] He just said my name! Oh, I don’t know
if he said– He said, “Barbara,
I love you!” He’s three weeks old. I love you too,
President Jack. Papa bear, can I hold your
little cub? What? That wasn’t a no. Oh, yeah. Here we go, little buddy. Oh, yes. Oh, thank you. [baby spitting up] Oh, I’m sorry. He spit up on you. Do not apologize. This is thesinglegreatest
blessing bestowed upon me today. Thank you. Stacey:Barbara!Nurse Harkey, I was just sending this
precious cargo your way. Thank you. Bye, president. I’m so sorry. ♪ And we’ll walk hand in hand ♪ ♪ in the light of
the rising sun. ♪♪ Excuse me. Yes? When can we see the doctor? Ooh! Who is this chubby cherub? Ooh, you are so sweet. If I ate you up, I’d probably
get diabetes again. But that wouldn’t stop me! Yeah. He’s quite a handful. Well, bricks and mortar
make a house, but the laughter of children
makes the home. [baby talk] [camera shutter] I will cherish this forever. How did you do that? Barbara:I’m just gonna
put it
right over here. Oh yes, perfect. Here we go. Barbara:Oh, yeah.Barbara. Yes? Maybe you need to go home
for the day. What? Nurse Harkey, I’m fine, okay? I don’t know why you
would say that. I’m comp– twins! Oh, are you KFC? ‘Cause I see four chubby
thighs I could just munch, munch, munch, munch, munch. BARBARA, you are making
people uncomfortable! You know what, you’re done. You need to go home. Oh, can do. Whoa, hey! Come on, chilluns. BARBARA! Hey, Chris, thanks for
giving me a ride here. Yeah, yeah, no problem. I can’t believe
your sister survived jumping into that rhino cage. Yeah. Also, why did your sister
jump into that rhino cage? Oh, we have a series
of escalating dares. Wow. It’s clearly time
to stop. You think she’ll be okay? Oh yeah, yeah. I think she’ll be fine. Why do you ask? Are you going to take
her on that date she’s been
hounding you about? She’s really persistent, but
I don’t think she’s my type. Hey, Brandon? Can we get you
at the front desk to fill out some paperwork
for your sister? Sure. I’ll just be a minute. Yeah, cool. [coughs] Catherine, Catherine, hey. Where–where am I? Um, you need to lay back. You’ve had a really long day. Oh, Chr-Chris! Hi! Hi! [flirty]
Hi. Fancy meeting you here. At the hospital? So did you, uh, lift me onto
this gurney all by yourself? No, I think the EMT’s– Yeah, I’ll bet you did
with those guns. Ooh! [makes gun noise] Catherine,
I think you need to rest. Caaat. What? Call me Cat. [cat noise] [clicks tongue] Ow! Oh, ow! That tickled,
but less in a fun way and more of a way that feels
like stabbing. Yeah. They said the rhino literally
stepped on your face. So you were looking
at my face. It’s hard not to. What are you? What is that? What are you doing? Stop that.
Stop. You’re going to hurt
yourself some more. Okay, yeah, I’ll stop, but
just because you asked me to and not because my jaw makes
the sound of Rice Krispies when it moves. Okay, you need to lay back,
Catherine, really. But then it would mess up
my hair, which someone has failed
to compliment.No, no, I wouldn’t
touch your head.
The, uh–[audience screaming] the rhino started
eating it after you blacked out. You’re just left
a few wispies. Well, it’s, uh, nothing a little
accessorizing wouldn’t fix. [groans] Okay, this–
Catherine, seriously, you just need
to lay down. Oh, come on, you– OW! MY GOODNESS! THAT EVIL WHAT– Your arm’s severely
injured, so… Didn’t even need an x-ray
or anything, burly Sherlock. Sherlock! Elementary, dear Watson. It’s got a rhino horn
sticking out of it. It’s pretty obvious. [audience reacts] You like a girl who’s
literally one with nature? No, no I– Charge! Stop, stop. Oh come on, stop. Put that away, please. Ooh! You smell like Old Spice
and antiseptic. Just the–you know, the hand
sanitizer when I came in. What are you– You’re so thoughtful of my
weakened immune system. No, I’m not– Oh, oh, oh. I think my lips are gone. I think this is one
of your molars. Your mouth’s bleeding
a lot. Not as much as my
bleeding heart. I cannot tell if you’re
flirting with me or hemorrhaging internally. Both. That’s not a good thing. Can we–yes. Okay, Catherine. We need to get you
off to surgery. We have to hustle because it turns out that
rhino did have rabies. You kissed me when
you had rabies? Brandon dared me to! You will not
back down! Oh guys,
come on! How’d you guys like that? Did you love it? Then subscribe! Yes, it’s over! So watch more videos! And have a good one. See you guys. Let’s do the “Health Hula”” Health Hula. This is what doctors do when
they save a patient. Woo! And everyone’s gone. No more triple
bypass surgery. No more clogged arteries. Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun. Yeah.

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