10 days in a mental hospital.


[Music] [Music] I want to make youtube videos the thing is I want to make these videos because I really believe in them but it’s scary for me so last year some of you guys know that I struggled a lot with depression and I kind of was off and on I made a video about it and you can watch it but um towards the end of the year it got a lot worse and we came to the States for a wedding my friends were getting married and Shawn was doing the wedding and Eloise was the flower girl and it was a really great time but I could feel that I was getting worse that my depression was getting worse and at that point I felt like I had done everything I could do to feel better and it just wasn’t working and both of my parents have struggled with depression my mom’s family a lot and my dad’s family too and there’s been suicide in my family and I was raised by two moms you know my mom’s a lesbian and so even my other mom has her although with depression too and so when I started to open up with my family more about how bad I was doing people were concerned for me and so I I went to the doctor and I asked if I could be put on an antidepressant ah and it didn’t really work I felt like maybe it was working in the beginning I had hope it would work uh just so you know I’ve been on one before like back when I was 18 I was on one for a while and then I felt better and so I wasn’t on it anymore but um but it’s it’s not something I wanted to be on I think I waited a long time before kind of admitting to myself that this might be a problem beyond just my own ability to feel happy in a moment so I went to the doctor asked if I could be on this medicine she put me on one that she said is good basically she was great and it in the beginning it felt like I was working a bit but then it wasn’t and I guess one of the risks with antidepressants is that they could make you feel suicidal which is a crazy thing when you already feel suicidal but that’s what happened for me and so we were in the States here so we live in Spain for those of you who might be new to my channel and we were in the in the States and decided to spend Christmas here to make sure I could be healthy because it didn’t feel right to go back to Spain with me being kind of the way I was and and yeah it was a good decision my my mood got worse my kind of inner darkness that I was experiencing got got darker and heavier and um sorry [Music] I’m really nervous about these videos but I like you guys and I want you to know what the this stuff and uh anyway it got worse basically it got to a point where I like I knew that I wanted to die and like I knew that that I couldn’t I couldn’t live this low in like pretend I was okay and I was really scared for Eloise that eventually she’d grow up to learn that her smiley happy mom was actually a really sad one and I thought it would maybe be better for her not have one and to have her happy dad knew who’s actually happening great so yeah so I was pretty broken and I knew I knew it was broken and I was still taking the medication so it got to the point where I opened up to to Sean into our sister-in-law who is a doctor and told her how bad I was doing and told her that I had plans that I knew how I would do it if I actually had the courage to do it and and that was kind of the end that was when we knew this isn’t this is no Kay and I’m not gonna be okay I’m just trying to live like this and so I thought we shown and I drove to a place in Detroit where they don’t do assessments on the spot and they’ll decide if you should be admitted as an inpatient to a mental hospital or if usually a part of an outpatient program and by the time I was going to the hospital or hospital to this place that I was gonna be getting a silence I was really nervous but at the same time kind of relieved that it was like finally I could get help and anyone – Shauna was like I feel so broken on the inside but nobody can see it and I felt like I wished I was bleeding or I wish I had cancer or something so that people would know like whoa something’s really wrong but the state I was in was one where it was just inside of me and nobody else yeah so that people would know how serious it was because it felt like nobody quite got it or like everybody was really optimistic like just pray harder it’ll go away or like exercise or are you journaling maybe you need time for yourself and like all of this stuff is really helpful but I felt like I was actually sick like something was really wrong with me and so to go to this place I I already was like feeling hopeful even though there wasn’t a solution yet so I went to this place did my assessment and they decided that I didn’t need to be an impatient because I wasn’t gonna do anything harmful that night basically I assured them I wasn’t and so then they agreed to that and so the next morning I started this outpatient program at what we all call a mental hospital but it was more like it didn’t feel like a hospital it was like in the same parking center as a Starbucks and other nice things that it’s a facility that you go to and everybody who’s there is a mental health patient so I don’t know so I call it a mental hospital um and yeah I guess that’s what it was and it was primarily group therapy every day and you’re in there for 7 to 10 days I was in there for 10 and and the people who are in there are kind of going through all kinds of things but generally the things we had in common is depression and anxiety but something I loved about it was it was all like a group of people that we would probably never have naturally hung out with each other but because we all were broken we got to come together and hang out and get to know each other’s stories and there were people there who had far more broken experiences than and I felt like the perspective really helped me and being in there and relating to each other and listening to each other and encouraging one another and we were led by a counselor and you’re like going through a workbook but the way they do it is pretty fluid where like you might one day really seek to work with Bill in another day someone will bring up the topic and you kind of don’t even acknowledge the workbook because you’re moving through whatever got brought up so it’s a pretty relaxed program when I did that for 10 days and then all throughout the the 10 days I was meeting with doctors and they were doing blood tests and checking things out because also I was having crazy health problems throwing up randomly and passing out if you guys saw Carly Christman’s episode of say yes to the dress it’s episode one of the current season it’s a great episode but I passed out during her wedding and and that was that was actually like a health scare something was wrong with me and I was fine there it was okay but this all was like a part of this stuff I’m describing and so yeah so I was meeting with a bunch of doctors they gave me a diagnosis that I will make another video about because I’m not ready yet for that one but I was put on a medicine that I started working really quickly and I decided to take a break from social media just so I could have like space to kind of process what was doing what was happen and to be able to get healthy and the whole time it was so great we were with Sean’s family and they’re just the most amazing people they love Emily so she was in heaven so some of you guys wrote and we’re like poor Eloise that her mom is like you know whatever but just so you know she was so happy she as she really didn’t even know what was going on which was so cool but she was really really really happy and didn’t oh I mean one day I got home and she had been away from her all day and she didn’t even want to come to me she said that she didn’t miss me don’t be offended she’s two-and-a-half so that’s you know whatever but um but that actually made me really happy because she she was fine she was so good and yeah Sean was great he was really attentive and he drove me to the place every morning and picked me up every afternoon and spoke with the doctors and just was really present for the whole process and so it was really cool yeah now I’m here and I’m here again to make youtube videos I guess one of the things that I’ve been going through just in this break is realizing that I don’t want to do social media in a way where it’s like a commercial we’re like I’m advertising a life that isn’t actually my life and it’s not to say that that’s what I was doing but I just feel like me me sometimes social media becomes a bit like that where we’re all like portraying our best selves which is okay that’s what that is but it can sometimes feel like cheap and it can leave us feeling like maybe something’s wrong with us because everybody else is doing great and we’re not doing so great and so I I guess come in to you guys the same doing this social media I want to show you my real life and I will do my best to be excellent in my quality of stuff and be genuine and and also maintain some level of privacy I I think that that’s healthy for families is that we don’t share everything but I do want to share real things with you in hopes that I can encourage you and and and that’s all I guess that’s all I have for this video we’re already working on the next two videos which you’re gonna be so fun the next ones with Eloise and it’s just showing you how she is now that she’s two-and-a-half it’s so cute and talkative and I’m gonna be back on Instagram by the time you see this video and I think I’ll be back in Spain I’m currently in LA filming it from our home here that we live in but but I’m going back to Spain on Monday for the year is the plan so I’ll be making more videos from there anyway I love you guys and I’m really thankful to be a part of your life I think so that you’re following me and that you’re sharing my stuff even while I’ve been gone I see that you guys have been doing that and I’m really grateful and thank you for all the messages so many people wrote me messages checking in on me and telling me that you missed me and it was really important I’m really thankful so okay that’s all that’s the update and I love you and I hope you have a really good day and follow us on Instagram Shawn’s reality show is still going on snapchat so if you’re on snapchat go watch and I will see you next week with a new video okay thank you so much [Music]

100 thoughts on “10 days in a mental hospital.

  1. Thank you for being exactly who you are and sharing this with the world. It's very brave to share your feelings on the internet especially when they are not so good feelings. I know we don't know each other but if you ever need to talk I'm here for you. I can't promise I will understand what your going through but I will listen. God bless you and god loves you. ❤️❤️❤️😁

  2. Never stop going. You are not just loved, you are love. We are always surrended by it in many ways not imagined or thought of.

  3. Watched your video. Thank for sharing your story. I am sure God will use it to help people. I subscribed to watch future ones, so I can pray for you.

  4. it takes a lot of courage to film this, and even more to post it. i’m proud of you for being open with us and others around you and for getting help when you need t ❤️

  5. I went through this . Five hours away from home for 11 days … it’s very heartbreaking… don’t ever think your crazy for it because your not.

  6. Bless you. I was raised in a mental hospital. Unforntorntaly. I just came from a interview from a journalist who was curious about the effects & after effects of mental institutions. It's something not easy to discuss

  7. Encouragement is what I feel after this video! You have to be real with how you are feeling for your own sake and protection. Thank you for being vulnerable. Subcribed!!!

  8. I feel you, I have depression, Anxiety, Been bullied my whole life, LGBT, ADHD, IED, and other problems…..Ive been to a mental hospital, but thank god I was only in there for 7

    *Looks at upload date*……You went/ this posted about a month before I went, I went around the end of march, alittle after march 15th which is my birthday…

  9. Yes! You are here! That's the most important thing! And you never have to explain to anyone other than your love ones what you are going through! Those that don't understand are not worth the time! Glad you are still here! Keep fighting!

  10. Hi, I just recently got out of a behavior health hospital a couple months ago. That was my second visit. I totally relate and I just want you to know you're not alone. Blessing to you on your journey to wellness <3 <3

  11. Sometimes having to go through this makes you stronger. I’m 15 and just got out of the hospital, it was very hard but it really makes you realize things that you didn’t even know about yourself. You are so strong💕

  12. This girl I liked had depression and It got so bad she had to go to a mental hospital💔😢😢 And now I’m thinking about sucide💔😭

  13. I feel like I would rather have someone take a baseball bat and break every bone in my body so I can have a "real" injury and have a real chance of recovery and healing than to deal with this invisible brokenness.

  14. Ik how u feel I was in a state where I thought nobody cared, nobody wanted me anymore and just said fuck it and took about 20 pain killers and was rushed to the er was there for two days and three nights. They decided to put me on a 5150 in the nearest mental hospital. Then the next day I got registered into the mental hospitals system and was sent there for about 10 days I met a couple cool people that I’m close to rn. Just stay strong and find something worth living in life

  15. Bipolar type 1 runs rampant in my family. I have it. Im familiar with the feelings your experiencing. I've had a couple of attempts myself. Best thing you can do is go thru therapy and take meds accordingly if needed

  16. Thank you. This encouraged and helped me to better understand how to support some of my own family members. Praise the Lord for His work and protection over your life <3

  17. Do you have a video about growing up with 2 moms? I want to know how you think about same sex couples with your Christian world view 🙂

  18. Jessica Thank you so much for opening up and sharing about your Mental Health. I have Depression and Anxiety. It is difficult. I take medication, but it is still a struggle. People don't understand, specially if you are usually happy and outgoing. I work as a Counselor in a Mental Health facility. Glad that you got help and have a great support system.

  19. You had a natural birth, you are mentally and physically strong!!! I look up to you and get strength from you. I want u to know you are powerful. You can get through anything. Meditate and speak with God and ask for more strength day in and day out and it will happen for you. I pray you are progressing ❤❤❤

  20. It’s horrible to see someone as pretty as you cry 😢

    When you feel down think about the the people here that love you and support you; we all love you so much and I personally believe that you deserve happiness ❤️❤️❤️❤️

    A message to Anyone who is suffering from depression:

    Tell someone,the people around you might blame themselves because you didn’t tell them that you were this depressed allways remember that it’s not your fault its no ones fault and you all deserve happiness as much as each other.

    Remember:
    Smile it helps the world become a better place 😁

  21. New subscriber here. Thank you for your honesty. You are such a strong woman and should be SO proud of how far you’ve come. I wish you and your family nothing but the best.

  22. You are very beautiful <333 i'm crying right now. I head a horrible Time. My ex boyfriend got me Herpes and so I was two times in a Mental Hospital. Right now I am struggling with dark thoughts.

  23. You are beyond brave. Sad to say I really understand and relate. I didn't deal with depression much until the preterm birth and death of two of my children. It was a hard time and I no longer wanted to be here. I hadn't planned anything but the overwhelming feeling of not wanting to face another day was looming and very present and real. I really don't think anyone understands or understood what I was dealing with and still dealing with now that I'm 33 weeks pregnant. I sought out help and I'm glad you did too. You are loved and your family needs you. Thanks for being honest and shedding a real light on a taboo topic. It's ok to not be happy and more people need to admit that. There's no telling how many lives you've saved since posting this video

  24. You’re a strong woman who’s beautiful inside & out! You’re an inspiration to all suffering with mental illnesses & disorders!!!

  25. This is the first video I've seen.. I wish they offered something like that where I live. Struggling with some things but glad you found help. What is it like living in Spain? Do you like Spain or the USA better? Hope you have a good evening!

  26. Did you know God has a reset button? You have to be a sinner to qualify though: https://youtu.be/qvKloE5S99I

  27. thank you for sharing your experience, it's important for this to be spoken about. Sending you much love and gratitude

  28. Bless you. I totally get it. I've suffered with anxiety and depression for some time now. My doctor has just put me on a new antidepressant. The only way to describe how I'm feeling some days in one word is 'dispair' and the times people have said to me to exercise, drives me mad. They have no idea how bad your feeling on the inside, if only it was that easy to make yourself better…

  29. This video is so relatable. I also have a 2.5 year old and I’ve had quite a journey with depression and anxiety following his birth. Hang in there. ♥️

  30. I feel you sometimes depression is losing yourself i have depression and anxiety and i am planning when to end my life 😑😷

  31. Can you please share how your working on your recovery and mental health now outside of the hospital. I have a very similar story and relate to you so much. 🌻

  32. I know this is an older video of yours – but I ran across it and I can’t tell you how much made me feel not alone. I have struggled so much since having my daughter. I have been so bummed and lack of motivation. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I can completely relate to all you said. It feels uncontrollable even when you’re doing all you can to get better. Thank you for making me feel a virtual hug from you!

  33. My mom ex had the bigist dparssion problem of time she would stay like that for moths st time she sould ben in state mental housotal

  34. Thank you for making this video. I am a huge advocate for mental illness and for mental health treatment. I just watched a video of someone doing nothing but bitching about her 4 days in the mental hospital without ever saying why and she was extraordinarily immature, self centered, and ungrateful.Really rubbed me the wrong way so your honesty is refreshing. I understand what you're going through. I have bipolar 1 with psychotic features- which only appear if I'm not on the right meds and severely sleep deprived. I've been through some really scary experiences. You hang in there and if you ever feel like you need inpatient treatment, advocate for yourself to get it. Best wishes to you.

  35. "Life" doesn't work out for me. I was a dense, imbecile; dork, dweeb in my kid years.
    I'm in youth guilt now. I'm about to investigate a "Life" sentence; in a mental institution.

  36. I can relate with what you are saying and I wish the best for you my friend killed himself and I have been depressed and wishing he was here rn I just want to hear his voice one more time.

  37. Holy shit just scrolling through the comments and everyone is so positive! Not a single hater about this video, society is awesome 😎

  38. This is so sad. I suffer from depression and Anxiety. I hurt too i wouldnt wish this on anybody.

  39. You’re such an angel, I don’t even know you but you’re literally the strongest person I’ve come across too! God bless you sister. May God give you grace and peace and love and mercy all the days throughout your life❤️

  40. There are no words to describe the level of emotional pain and depression I feel on a weekly basis. It is horribe beyond words that a loving, kind guy who has been raised with beliefs that can dramatically improve society has to go through this.

  41. I have severe depression and anxiety and it sucks it really does and I’ve tried to kill myself so many times and I’ve cut I have so many scars all over my legs and arms and it sucks but it will get better I promise ❤️❤️❤️❤️ even tho it may not feel like it..I just here recently tried killing myself and I’ve been to a mental hospital two times now and it didn’t help it just made it worse

  42. Thank you so much for your honesty. You are beautiful soul and brave ❤
    "Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing."

    – August Wilson

  43. I’m bad depressed. Everyone around me that I had loved is gone to heaven and four to hell. Four suicides and the rest died naturally. I have my mom and two puppies now and medicine to numb my mind.. I wouldn’t commit suicide but I don’t want to be here on earth alone and abandoned. I pray almost every day and when I do I ask God to take all three of us at the same time or to take me first and not last.

  44. Are you hurting and broken within
    Overwhelmed by a weight you can't bear
    Have you come to the end of yourself
    Do you thirst for a drink from the well
    Leave behind your regrets and mistakes
    Come today, there's no reason to wait
    Bring your sorrows and trade them for joy
    From the ashes a new life is born
    Yes, my child, I am here
    And I love you so much
                                           -Jesus Christ

  45. Thanks for sharing this. I was starting to think my own struggles must be abnormal, because you seemed like you may not have any struggles because of how radiant and loving you are. ☺️ God bless you. He has already been blessing me through you. 😘

  46. I understand how you feel, I grew up with emotional abuse and still deal with it to this day.

    I basically learned how to keep my mouth shut and remarks to myself. 18/19 years of pent up emotions and nobody to listen to you just isn’t ok.

    I can never say anything to anybody because my trust issues are so bad that I keep emotions to myself. I lie to my family and say I’m ok and happy when I’m really just empty inside.

    I used to have 3 meals a day but now it’s just, I’m not hungry anymore. Or I would only eat when I was starving. No one really knows how I feel even if they ask. Because of my trust issues I never speak of my deepest, darkest feelings.

    It’s not healthy to keep all of your emotions inside like I do. Some days for me, it gets to the point where I just feel so much that I just have to let it out. If it’s before I fall asleep or just in the shower.

    But that rarely happens. I learned to ignore the hurt, pain, and negative emotions that nobody likes. When I feel it I guess I kind of just “suck it up” and swallow it down like it wasn’t even there.

    These discussions are pretty serious if it gets to that point. I know I am late on this video but I hope you are doing ok. >33 ❤️

  47. I see you made this video last year, but just wanted to say thanks for sharing such a personal update, it was very touching and real. Your description of your experience can help others get help who aren’t feeling well, by explaining the unknown therefore taking away the fear.

  48. I just found your channel today. I'm due in September with baby number 2 and my son is about the same age as your girl. I can't tell you how much this video just helped me. I feel such relief and I rarely get that "I'm not alone" from these types of videos, but there's something that draws my heart to you. I feel such crushing guilt for the way I feel and how it effects my role in motherhood and I am terrified of this life transition. Somehow, for 12 minutes, I felt a sense of calm and connectedness and I haven't felt that way in a very long time. Thank you.

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